learning from failing

I failed.
Yes, I failed my college entrance exam. That's why I rarely update anymore.
I'm out of word. I thought at least from three options I could have gotten into one university but sadly the reality didn't happen the way I hope it would be. I can't blame nothing. like maybe it was myself who had a problem.
Well, tbh I did learned as hard as I could. There was some time when I didn't feel like study.
But at least, I've put an effort abput it.

 Your succeed followed your effort, they said. So let's just say I was the one who didn't put a bit of more effort.

but you know what's making me feel more horrible?
there are these people, who I shall not mention the names, didn't do anything from the beginning of school, they didn't even that smart, they only started to study when the university entrance exam was getting near. and they didn't even study that hard, neither did they study that smart. But guess what? They got into university easily.

SEE HOW UNFAIR IT IS? I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FAILED BUT SEEING PEOPLE LIKE THAT MAKE ME SICK. I'M DISAPPOINTED WITH ME, ALL AND GOD. F.
I'm so done. world's suck. God's unfair, so now I'm hating.

Long short story, now I'm just wasting my useless free day by fangirling and stuff,
I'm trying to see this shet on the bright side. Need a long time to do that. but here I am, I feel okay now, still pissed off but not like before. Back then, I cried every night of this. now I know how it feels to fall asleep crying.

If you ever failed on something you've worked so damn hard, you'll get what I mean and how I feel.
Even so, I got a learnings from all this:

• Do not put your expectation high, or too high.
  Like seriously, don't, Expectation kills. It really does. yea yea you knew and heard it billion times already, so do I, but admit it, it's hard to do, it is like holding yourself to not eating the popcorn before the movie starts. So don't. ah, same thing with hope. Having hope is okay but too much hope? It will also hurt you. Unless, you're determine to really work your ass up.
  But still, reality's betch. and many times life doesn't go the way we want even tough we've done our best. I'm not suggesting you to be basic because we have no limitation in outlook. What I'm trying to say is let's be real. be realist and prepare for the worst. So either you'll fail or not, you won't get a huge loss. 
• Set your goals that equal with your capability
  As human, we have this greedy side of ours. And sometimes without knowing how good is our capability, we aim for the highest place that may be isn't our time yet or doesn't match our ability. I know I know, it is normal for living creature especially human to want the best of the best of the best. This was my mistake when taking the university entrance exam. I'm not dumb, but I did not study till the very deep of earth core to be accepted by the university I desire. I was just being optimist and ignoring the fact that my capability did not suitable on the choices I chose. I wasn't being realistic. I mean, being optimist is a good thing but we need to consider and double check whether our choices match our caliber or nah.

I think that's it.
So for anyone who failed like me, hang on tight. stand still. you're not alone. keep trying.
I know it's hard to see people around you have achieved their goals but you yourself haven't gotten anything yet. but well, although I'm still pissed off, and literally hate everything, I have to say that there is time for every thing. We have our own time to shine, It could be fast for few people, but it could also be quite slow for some people. but the thing is, even if it's taking too much time or happens too fast for our time to shine. we just need to focus on preparing and fixing ourselves, so when the time comes, we'll be ready and shine brighter than everyone lel.
HHAHA I know, easy said than be done.
I don't even know where this words are coming from, like, seriously, I'm also a wreck and f#cked up. I have lots of dark days. I often believe all the negative shet I said about me. It's sometime difficult to believe all the good things in me, even if I know it was all true. What even worse is, I almost trying to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy and succeed.
I still think that way tbh, but I have to defeat my demons and make the best of my life.
Since life is toooooo short.
One day you were 15, and just in a blink of an eye you're already 35 like whut. 

So yeah, that's all. bye lol

Music is Heaven of Earth

 Current Mood: a bit sad
 Listening to: Disney Piano Playlist
 Thoughts of the moment: I still want to be a singer.

omg I've always wanted to be a singer. Deep in my heart I'd like to be on stage and singing and perform. I wanted my music to make people happy through me singing. I wanted my music to make them feel they're not alone everytime they were in a difficult situation. I wanna do something big with music. through music. I wanna do magic with it.

Actually, I don't think my voice is that good or something but I guess.. it isn't that bad lha.. listen to me singing on my soundcloud and tell me what do you think. wait no. I don't want to know what you think about my voice so just keep all the likes/dislikes to yourself. You aren't obligated to like me anyway. and what the hell am I saying it's not like there'll be anybody who'd listen to them, pfftahah!

I've been posting two articles in a row this past two days. I'm so bored I'm a pig I don't do anything besides twerking on the internet. Apparently, I only waste my time mostly by sleeping, breathing, eating, drinking, staring at the ceiling, and internet. wait, it's the same thing like what I've always been doing at class lol. I've never said I was a role model student, yes? my grades wasn't a whore tho. I was doing fine at school. I've made lots memories I'd love to repeat it and make more pretty memories.
To all people at my school, I love you by hating you. peace out
Ah, I still feel peculiar every time I remember I don't have to go to school to heat the chair I used to sit with my smexy ass anymore. I find myself very old (when I'm not even twenty yet) at this freakin state my gosh. hahahhaha

Hahahaha wth I was just talking about my dead dream, and then my recent activity, and then school. this post is a complete non-sense. yup. Idc. I'm the goddess here, I'll do whatever my ass want. I'm so awesome urgh can't.

Ah, I forgot this dream I wanted to tell you guys. Here's the story.
I dreamed that I failed my SAT. -kill self- I'm scared that it'll come true.
Please dear Lord, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Father God, and all Holy things I beg you to help me pass the test. Just this one time. Please cooperate with me. Please make things happen the way I need it to happen.
Please make me pass the SAT. I beg Thou my beautiful Lord. -sobs sobs-
I have no freakin idea what the heck should I do if that disaster is seriously happe.... NO. cAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. JUST.. LET'S NOT.
Pray for me please I need you to pray for me to pass the SAT.
Come, let us have a moment of silence to pray for my result of SAT. SERIOUSLy guys, this shet is deadly important for my life. no joke.

I wish I'll be doing fine. I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NEVER WASTE ANY SECOND TO SERIOUSLY STUDY AND REST PROPERLY IF I GET INTO UNIVERSTY THROUGH SBMPTN. I really hope I'll succeed. I know everyone wants that. So no, I don't hope. I have to. I have to succeed in order to give my family a better living than this. I want to travel the world in a fancy way with family and give a helping hand to the needy.
Lol that doesnt sound like me uh, if you know me.. you'd never expect to ever hear such a thing from my mouth.
because MEH I'M CRAZY YAY HAHHAHA

Sausade

 Current Mood: Neutral
 Listening to: Family of the Year - Hero
 Thought of the moment: EFF-ING A LOT.

Hi, I feel like blogging but honestly I have no idea what to write so excuse whatever things I'm gonna say here. Because what I'll say is just gonna be random as eff.

Oh have you guys heard about "sausade"?
It's a word from Portuguese and Galician that has no direct translation in English. But you can say that it is a word to describe a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent of something or someone that one loves.  All credits goes to Wikipedia lol.

nope.
I'm not feeling sausade at all.
I was just thinking that it sounds cool so HAHAHA.

see I told you this is gonna be random, don't tell me I didn't warn you earlier.. But since you're here and already read the whole bullseye, shall we just go random together? we shall. no. We must. I demand it. I'm the one who have all power in this little website of billion website on the internet, so because you're already here, you must do what I demand you to do, which is : keep reading, leave a comment and please follow my blog. HAHAHA no, seriously.. My blog is like a cemetery.
 -sudden awkward silence-

Ah, I've written that I used to have another blog, haven't I?
SO, I decided to go back on my previous blog and read the whole thing, that.. I won't tell you guys because eff.
Trust me, this is for your own good sake.
I can't believe I was once an innocent-annoying-too-honest-little-shet. Fyi,I started to blog since 2009, I guess.. I can't actually remember but I think it was around that year. That means, I've been on blogger since I was 12 y.o. kid. Can't you imagine what kind of stupid shet I wrote back then?
My gosh. HAHAHAHA

TOO FUNNY YET DISGUSTING I CAN'T EVEN HAHAHAHAHA
I still can't believe I ever wrote about stuff and stuff like that ew. I was gross.
No I didn't mean porn but my love life which was kinda shitty and so... urgh. I can't.
I don't know whether I was just too naive or too stupid as a kid.
Thank god now I'm growing up a bit. ok.. a lot. um... a bit? IDK HAHA

Life's confusing but there's no other way than living it and have fun even on any shitty condition right. Easier said than be done. but let us do our best since we're only given one chance to live the life we live right now.  so, why don't we make it as best as possible, no?
We never know when the death is coming to get us. It's probably just about five meters behind you right now, who knows lel
Until then, let's living life we received as awesome as eff 

me is back yo

BOY - This is the Beginning
LOOK WHO'S BACK? IIIIIIII~  HAHA
I'm so happy because finally. I am able to live my life in peace.
I've taken the SAT (or in indonesia, we called it: SBMPTN), and along with that, I am no longer need to go to Ganesha Operation to study anymore. which means holiday is actually in front of my door right now.. But, I don't actually feel I'm livin' my holidays to the fullest at all since I'm so nervous about the result of my SAT..
I think I did well, It was hard, tho..
I've done my best and I wish God'll help me with the rest.
I really hope I'll pass the SAT and get into the university of my dream..
Please wish me a real luck.
Ah, I'm about to take the psychology, so I'll be studying about human and their weirdness. HAHA yas human, yall nothing but a weird living creature. oh what now? no. I'm not a human.
I'm better than human. I'm awesome. hell yea, like it or not I'm still awesome and not human.
-wagging hair- lol bear with me.

I've been spending my precious holiday with doing things I love, my god.. this holiday's the best holiday I've ever had.
I started my day around 8 or 9, or even 10 A.M. then I took my late breakfast and lunch (yes people, double portion. nope. no regrets mothaeffka), helping grandma with stuffs and when I'm done with house chores. I'll sit quietly in front of my lovely laptop, open google chrome, and googling about my babies, yes, and by babies, I mean BIGBANG.
Five hottie men of humanity.

After three years, they finally have a comeback. EFF, I'M SO HAPPY I  AM LITERALLY CRYING HEHE.
It has been ten years since the first time YG decided to create an Idol Group, BIGBANG.
And I'm about living my life as V.I.P for four years and forever.
Sweet cupcakes, they've grown so much..
Those sexy retards are gettin' old but at the same time, they're getting hotter and hotter than before. They'll be having a concert in Indonesia,
............................................................................................... -sudden silence-
and I'M ABOUT TO DIE AT THAT DAY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO ATTEND THE CONCERT HAHA FML. Why money doesn't grow from a tree? -sobs sobs-
That is why, I'm making myself to promise to start saving money so next time, I'll be able to buy all the tickets for only myself HAAAHAAAAAA
please say Amen. please.

oh look, it is time for reading some webtoons
so,
adios amigos.

I'm bored

 now playing: SoKo - We Might Dead Tomorrow

aye people whaddup
so I was just wondering and I've been thinking that, for almost 18 years of my life.. I'm staying single. OK WHATEVER HAHA THAT WASN'T WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Let's just pretend I've never said that. and You've never read that line..

I'm so bored people, I'm so bored I could eat the whole elephant.. ok maybe I'm just hungry..
oh god at this moment I can't even differentiate whether I'm just hungry or totally bored.

I wish I were somebody else,
 no, it isn't like being me sucks. ok maybe it is. but whatever I don't care anyway.
I just wish I can go traveling and meet new people, real new people, not just a new people I met then turns out they're just like the people I already know.
I wanna go to a foreign land, that I've never known exist. um.. ok that is too much but for real, dude I'd like to do that. Someday I'll do it heck yeah,
I want travelling and fall in love and then die happily :) LOL
I just wish my life will be soon colorful since I'm going out of town.
I wish I'll do something great in future,
I wish I'll find that right person and
I wish I can be an awesome mother for my kids.
OK wtf what am I typing how could I even have kids when I am afraid of gettin' married LMAO.
not cool at all ika, not cool.  ah this thing from my past, whatever, I'll get over it by the way.

I wanna do something fun, like doing a charity or something like playing around with the orphans and make them laugh and forget about the sorrow for a moment.
OR MAYBE I COULD JUST FALL IN LOVE AND BE HAPPY HAHA

but no life's cruel, it wont be easy for all of us.

But that's the thing about life I guess..
   It won't get easy, but it is surely worth the prize we'll get when we're not giving up.
There is always a warm sunny day after a cold heavy storm.
all we need to do is  maybe just hang in there and try and failed and try and failed and try and failed and try until life gets bored seeing us failing and rewards us something more than we thought we deserve.
and I know you've been trying so hard and you are now tired but sometimes all you have to do is just get up and stay strong, because duh, we are stronger than we think we are, don't ever let anyone or anything or any situation tell us any different.
Just keep hang in there, life will get you and I to the right place as long as we hold on to Him.

...wtf where da hell did I get this wisdom
I'm so cool omg I can actually say such thing
darn it, I'll definitely marry myself if I could. LOL no, joke, I'm not that self-lover of a person.
Me is just being positive. lmao whatever this nonsense should stop here.

whoop, here we go

I MISS BLOGGING DAMN MUCH,
IT'S BEEN FOREVER SINCE THE LAST TIME I POSTED AN ENTRY AND NOW GUESS WHAT I'LL BE LEAVING  HIGH SCHOOL SOON. QUICKLY, ASAP.

I just can't believe myself that I've grown so much and time flies so fast and how things have changed.. you see, just like C.S Lewis say:

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different..

 I just..
Damn, I'll go to college and that is also mean, I'll be leaving home and living by myself.
I feel quite excited, and scared at the same. but meh, you know me. I don't care if I'm scared because DUDE! I'M SO LEAVING HOME! YAY HAHA ok joke. I'm a bit excited bcause living by my own means responsibility. and by that, I can show my family that I'm MATURE enough to handle my life.
 the only problem I have now is; where dafuq am i going...
I failed at SNMPTN, and now I have to face the SBMPTN in order to get in to University that I'm dying for.
fml, I still don't understand how people can passed the damn SNMPTN, they're not that smart, tough. um, no offense.
Guess I'm not that lucky, guess I'm a fighter.
Idk, I hate the fact that I still have to study for sbmptn because snmptn hates me.

but it's ok. I'm ok.
I miss you guys anyway.
ah and I've been on blogger since like I was an alien till now I'm a full human.
YAY FOR ME YAY!

About the author..

The name is Ika, Ika Dian Aruna. Her name means; One light at the sea.
She was born on August, 26 1997 in beautiful country, Indonesia.

She wears glasses, real thick glasses.
People say, her resting face looks like she's a dick. and most of people think that she's  an arrogant girl and nothing but an evil bitch. yes..all credits goes to her resting bitch face.
well, they aren't really wrong, after all, she does have some flaws.

She's a girl who gets trouble with words when she needs to say what's on her mind, what she feel, and what she wants. She's learning tho. Unless you've had known her well, then she will have no trouble to speak what's on her mind, since she always try to be the very honest version of herself.
She has learned to speak up, now. She isn't afraid to say no when it's a no-no.
She loves truth.
She'd rather get hit, real hard, in her face, by the ugly truth, than being cuddled by a beautiful lie.
She doesn't mind doing the same thing, to make a person, for a long period of time, drown into sea of sadness because of the truth, rather than slowly bring them to death because of the white lie. 

Who cares? FYI : Human has been craving for truth since forever anyway
.

She likes to spend her time by reading books (mostly, e-books), listening to music, watching movies, helping her grandma, lies on bed, does nothing, eats food, dancing around like a complete idiot, and having  real conversation. Oh, and she likes to discuss things, anything that worth the time.
At first, she might gives an impression that she's a good good girl who doesn't know such things, but the more you know her, boom.
She's crazy as fucg, she's friggin' loud,
She loves dogs, because dogs are a loyal creatures, therefore, she, too, values loyalty.
She loves cats, because cats rarely give a damn. she, too, rarely gives a damn about some things.
She takes, not only relationship, but also friendship on a very serious level.
It is because she values commitment, friendship, and relationship real high.
For so many have been very belittle on this things.

She has best friends, just few people, but at least, they're real.

oh.. and shout out to all of her good friends who pray for her success.
She credits all of you who are willing to give the trust and the love she needs.

Her life goals are : to make her grandma happy, to be able to help people in need as much as possible, to share happiness with those who are in grief, to see more sincere smile from more faces. and at last, to make, and do something meaningful and worthwhile, in such a short period life.