2018, An Emotional Ride

 Current Mood: Neutral

 Listening to: Mallory Merk, Ian Olney - You Wanna
 Thoughts of the moment: don't waste time on unimportant subjects 


Helloooo, dead people! haha
how y'all been doin, hope it's good for y'all, yea?
can't believe that it's two thousand and eighteen which means i'm about to be entering legal age soon! HAA HAA HAAA 
yES, I'll be 21 years old this august. can't believe I'm that old bhaha, never thought I'd actually get the chance to taste how it feels like to be in an adult years, LMAO

------updated on January, 1 2019----------------------------------------

I'm so sorry, I've been ridiculously busy with life and laziness I neglected this post that I should've posted earlier on early 2018 until now. I've had the urge to actually write again but can't seemed to find the time. or basically, too lazy to start since I didn't know where to start haha.

2018 has been a rough year for me. Well, to say it was all rough isn't fair, since there were also good memories and valuable lessons that I got. But specifically, 2018 was a year where life tried to pull me out of my comfort zone. A year when life knocked me down twice in a row with no mercy, a year when I realized I am not the same person I used to anymore, a year when I felt like I lost myself and a year where I had to collect myself, be sincere, and bravely move on from painful events that life thrown at me.
I've loved someone outside the family for the first time, and I've lost a love two times.
This year has been such an emotional ride for me.

And I'd like to write a few things I've learned and experienced in 2018.

1. NO MATTER WHAT, FAMILY COMES FIRST

I know you've heard it a million times and you're probably tired of seeing this over again, but it really is true. You might say you have a shitty family and they're such an unsupportive family members. But it's your family. It's where you grow as human being since Day-0. You can't hate a family, family is family. I have no perfect family as well. There are family issues and dramas that still unsettled. Sometimes, I find my mother annoying. And sometimes, I thought my grandma was such a fussy I'd like to stay as far as I could from her just to not hear her nag over the smallest unimportant things. Sometimes I dislike my family and think to myself, why can't they understand and listen to me better?. But in the end of the day, all their annoyance towards me can't beat the love they've been showering me. Sometimes I was just to blind to see it. I was too egoistic and temperamental I chose  not to see what's actually in front of my eyes. I played victim and refuse to look and comprehend things from their point of view.
Remember you can't have back the time you've spent with or without your family. I know sometimes you love your best friends more than your own related-blood. It's perfectly o.k., but again, family comes first and you can't have the time back. 

In June 2018, I lost my grandma.
My light of life, the only reason that prevented me to end my life in 11th grade.
It was very sudden, she was super fine the day before she complained that she felt very cold and hurt on her spine.
and to be perfectly honest, I didn't treat her nice for the past few months. I kept on talking back to her when she's being unreasonably fussy. I didn't spend free time that I had with her. You know what I did the day before she got sick? I hung out with two of my best friends.
If you ask, I regretted the day I went out with my bffs.
If I knew that day would be the last day I will spent with her on her good condition, I'd lock myself at home and spent my whole day with only her.
I miss her. It still hurts to remember she won't be with me anymore.
The day after she complained that she felt sick, she passed away at night.
I still remember very well the chronology of the event. I bailed my eyes out during the daytime because somehow I knew God would take my grandma away from me. And I tried to make an offer with God but He had His own plan.
I've lost my mom first already, at the age of 10. Call me uncultured swine, but I love my grandma more than my mom. My grandma has been the biggest hero in my life even when I wasn't born yet. She was the one who put bloody effort to make her family happy and not living in poverty. I wasn't born rich, I wasn't born in good parenting. But she saved me. 

And on February 2018, I had a boyfriend and wasted my free time with him more than with my grandma. I often lied to her saying I had an extra class and stuff. And she believed me. I spent more time on the phone with my ex rather than had an actual conversation with her.

And now she's gone.
And I can't buy my time back to be with her.
I regretted every bad things that comes out of my mouth and how I didn't put her on top of my priority list because I was too busy living my own life that I put her aside. 
I have so many regrets, and I wish for all of you that still have your loved ones, your family member, to not wasting time by neglecting them. Please learn from me, no matter how shitty your family is, they're your family and deep down you know you love them still. And it's never too late to tied back the untied string.  Because once you lost them, you lost them for real, you'll never have them back.
Tell them direct or indirectly that you love them every time you get the chance. Don't do the stupid shit I did.

Make time for yourself, make time for your friends, and make time for your family.

Because what ever happens, family comes first.

2. SELF LOVE IS IMPORTANT, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF WHEN LOVING SOMEONE ELSE

Because I was a stupid dumb ass hoe (I still am a hoe, and still a bit dumb) and was a fucking noob on the matter of love and romance. I let my guard down and let my expectations killed me.
I was too fucking naive.
I found out once I love someone for real, I love them inside out and all. I'd probably willing to die for him too. I was all out, I was such a giving partner. I kept on giving I've never thought of asking back because all I know was what mine is his. and I was happy to be able to share, not only things, but moments with my partner.
I don't mean to make myself seems very nice or what-so-ever but that's what I learned. Of course, I have my bad side as well. I tend to not tell my partner if he does something that irritates me. I tend to want him know his own fault by himself. And get mad when he can't seem to know what's his fault. LMAO. typical.

He said  "I love you but not like I used to. It's degrading somehow and I don't know why" if I may comprehend explicitly what it means, maybe he means that he lost interest in me already..

And in the end of conversation, he said that MY LOVE WAS TOO PURE IT STARTED TO FEEL LIKE TOXIC FOR HIM. what a joke right? well probably not.
Since as the quote from The Perks of Being Wallflower said "We accept the love we think we deserve". His reasoning might be honest.
And if my love was too much for him to handle than it's his business.
But to actually reach the phase of where I am now, I've faced so many struggles. I strove to get back on my feet. I strove to take hundreds of step to move on.
It was my first love and my first heartbreak. 

Before I am in this phase of letting go, I was so screwed. I was soooooo ruined I cried everyday lmao fucking typical. I kept on blaming myself for what is not my fault. I kept on thinking it wasn't working out because it was me, for being too fucking kind and sincere. I refused to admit that it wasn't on me, it wasn't my fault. I ain't shit.
Thanks for the help of my closest ones, I learned to listen and comprehend what I've been refused to know.
And in the process of letting go, I found me. I found the love I've never once had before. The love I have for myself. self love.
My ability to love myself has helped me to honor and respect myself way better than I've ever been.
This self love of mine reminds me of how strong and inspiring I am as an individual of facing the struggles, problems and depressions. How I always thought of giving up and wanting to end things for good, but always try give myself another chance to breathe another day.
How I always be there for me while no one did. And how I possess such precious and beautiful soul and thinking.
And since I love myself better than ever, I won't settle for less.
I won't lose myself when love someone else ever again.
Because it's me. I'm the key to my own happiness.
I am complete and I don't need anyone to complete me.
If I ever wan a relationship, it isn't for completing each other's holes, but to share and grow together.
I am responsible for my own unfinished problems and holes. And so is my partner.
I am not responsible for making my partner feel as a whole, it is his own job. and It's my own job to feel as a whole. It might sounds rude and very individualistic, but no one can help us finishing my unfinished traumas/problems better than ourselves. But yes, we can support each other through it.
If anything, I will only drag my partner downhill. And that's the last thing I wanted to do.
So have some love for yourself and remember no one holds the key to your happiness but you.

3. I HAVE SO MANY GOOD CARING PEOPLE AROUND ME

I've always thought people will always have something that they're after when they're with me.
Yes, I have trust-issues. It's either I trust too easy or I hard to trust. There's no in between.
This year has shown me that there are good, caring people around me. That has no hidden intention with being friends with me. They were always there when I needed them, always ready to listen to my bad thoughts and insecurities. Always offering a shoulder to cry on and an ears to listen. They taught me new side of love. And for that I thanked them.
I finally have people that I've been dreaming of.
Yes you punk, this one goes for y'all. You know it's you who I'm talking bout.
I love you, you dickhead.


I guess that's a few things I've learned in 2018.
Honestly there's a lot but it'd take a day of writing to actually write them all here haha
Thank you 2018.
In 2019, I hope to be a better version of myself in all aspects. I have a couple of resolutions I wish to achieve this year. I'll write about it here when I have the time and will! haha
This year's gonna be hectic since this is my last year in college and I'm on internship right now in order to graduate. Wish me luck!
Hope this year will treat us all with care and kindness.
Good luck for all of us.