2018, An Emotional Ride

 Current Mood: Neutral

 Listening to: Mallory Merk, Ian Olney - You Wanna
 Thoughts of the moment: don't waste time on unimportant subjects 


Helloooo, dead people! haha
how y'all been doin, hope it's good for y'all, yea?
can't believe that it's two thousand and eighteen which means i'm about to be entering legal age soon! HAA HAA HAAA 
yES, I'll be 21 years old this august. can't believe I'm that old bhaha, never thought I'd actually get the chance to taste how it feels like to be in an adult years, LMAO

------updated on January, 1 2019----------------------------------------

I'm so sorry, I've been ridiculously busy with life and laziness I neglected this post that I should've posted earlier on early 2018 until now. I've had the urge to actually write again but can't seemed to find the time. or basically, too lazy to start since I didn't know where to start haha.

2018 has been a rough year for me. Well, to say it was all rough isn't fair, since there were also good memories and valuable lessons that I got. But specifically, 2018 was a year where life tried to pull me out of my comfort zone. A year when life knocked me down twice in a row with no mercy, a year when I realized I am not the same person I used to anymore, a year when I felt like I lost myself and a year where I had to collect myself, be sincere, and bravely move on from painful events that life thrown at me.
I've loved someone outside the family for the first time, and I've lost a love two times.
This year has been such an emotional ride for me.

And I'd like to write a few things I've learned and experienced in 2018.

1. NO MATTER WHAT, FAMILY COMES FIRST

I know you've heard it a million times and you're probably tired of seeing this over again, but it really is true. You might say you have a shitty family and they're such an unsupportive family members. But it's your family. It's where you grow as human being since Day-0. You can't hate a family, family is family. I have no perfect family as well. There are family issues and dramas that still unsettled. Sometimes, I find my mother annoying. And sometimes, I thought my grandma was such a fussy I'd like to stay as far as I could from her just to not hear her nag over the smallest unimportant things. Sometimes I dislike my family and think to myself, why can't they understand and listen to me better?. But in the end of the day, all their annoyance towards me can't beat the love they've been showering me. Sometimes I was just to blind to see it. I was too egoistic and temperamental I chose  not to see what's actually in front of my eyes. I played victim and refuse to look and comprehend things from their point of view.
Remember you can't have back the time you've spent with or without your family. I know sometimes you love your best friends more than your own related-blood. It's perfectly o.k., but again, family comes first and you can't have the time back. 

In June 2018, I lost my grandma.
My light of life, the only reason that prevented me to end my life in 11th grade.
It was very sudden, she was super fine the day before she complained that she felt very cold and hurt on her spine.
and to be perfectly honest, I didn't treat her nice for the past few months. I kept on talking back to her when she's being unreasonably fussy. I didn't spend free time that I had with her. You know what I did the day before she got sick? I hung out with two of my best friends.
If you ask, I regretted the day I went out with my bffs.
If I knew that day would be the last day I will spent with her on her good condition, I'd lock myself at home and spent my whole day with only her.
I miss her. It still hurts to remember she won't be with me anymore.
The day after she complained that she felt sick, she passed away at night.
I still remember very well the chronology of the event. I bailed my eyes out during the daytime because somehow I knew God would take my grandma away from me. And I tried to make an offer with God but He had His own plan.
I've lost my mom first already, at the age of 10. Call me uncultured swine, but I love my grandma more than my mom. My grandma has been the biggest hero in my life even when I wasn't born yet. She was the one who put bloody effort to make her family happy and not living in poverty. I wasn't born rich, I wasn't born in good parenting. But she saved me. 

And on February 2018, I had a boyfriend and wasted my free time with him more than with my grandma. I often lied to her saying I had an extra class and stuff. And she believed me. I spent more time on the phone with my ex rather than had an actual conversation with her.

And now she's gone.
And I can't buy my time back to be with her.
I regretted every bad things that comes out of my mouth and how I didn't put her on top of my priority list because I was too busy living my own life that I put her aside. 
I have so many regrets, and I wish for all of you that still have your loved ones, your family member, to not wasting time by neglecting them. Please learn from me, no matter how shitty your family is, they're your family and deep down you know you love them still. And it's never too late to tied back the untied string.  Because once you lost them, you lost them for real, you'll never have them back.
Tell them direct or indirectly that you love them every time you get the chance. Don't do the stupid shit I did.

Make time for yourself, make time for your friends, and make time for your family.

Because what ever happens, family comes first.

2. SELF LOVE IS IMPORTANT, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF WHEN LOVING SOMEONE ELSE

Because I was a stupid dumb ass hoe (I still am a hoe, and still a bit dumb) and was a fucking noob on the matter of love and romance. I let my guard down and let my expectations killed me.
I was too fucking naive.
I found out once I love someone for real, I love them inside out and all. I'd probably willing to die for him too. I was all out, I was such a giving partner. I kept on giving I've never thought of asking back because all I know was what mine is his. and I was happy to be able to share, not only things, but moments with my partner.
I don't mean to make myself seems very nice or what-so-ever but that's what I learned. Of course, I have my bad side as well. I tend to not tell my partner if he does something that irritates me. I tend to want him know his own fault by himself. And get mad when he can't seem to know what's his fault. LMAO. typical.

He said  "I love you but not like I used to. It's degrading somehow and I don't know why" if I may comprehend explicitly what it means, maybe he means that he lost interest in me already..

And in the end of conversation, he said that MY LOVE WAS TOO PURE IT STARTED TO FEEL LIKE TOXIC FOR HIM. what a joke right? well probably not.
Since as the quote from The Perks of Being Wallflower said "We accept the love we think we deserve". His reasoning might be honest.
And if my love was too much for him to handle than it's his business.
But to actually reach the phase of where I am now, I've faced so many struggles. I strove to get back on my feet. I strove to take hundreds of step to move on.
It was my first love and my first heartbreak. 

Before I am in this phase of letting go, I was so screwed. I was soooooo ruined I cried everyday lmao fucking typical. I kept on blaming myself for what is not my fault. I kept on thinking it wasn't working out because it was me, for being too fucking kind and sincere. I refused to admit that it wasn't on me, it wasn't my fault. I ain't shit.
Thanks for the help of my closest ones, I learned to listen and comprehend what I've been refused to know.
And in the process of letting go, I found me. I found the love I've never once had before. The love I have for myself. self love.
My ability to love myself has helped me to honor and respect myself way better than I've ever been.
This self love of mine reminds me of how strong and inspiring I am as an individual of facing the struggles, problems and depressions. How I always thought of giving up and wanting to end things for good, but always try give myself another chance to breathe another day.
How I always be there for me while no one did. And how I possess such precious and beautiful soul and thinking.
And since I love myself better than ever, I won't settle for less.
I won't lose myself when love someone else ever again.
Because it's me. I'm the key to my own happiness.
I am complete and I don't need anyone to complete me.
If I ever wan a relationship, it isn't for completing each other's holes, but to share and grow together.
I am responsible for my own unfinished problems and holes. And so is my partner.
I am not responsible for making my partner feel as a whole, it is his own job. and It's my own job to feel as a whole. It might sounds rude and very individualistic, but no one can help us finishing my unfinished traumas/problems better than ourselves. But yes, we can support each other through it.
If anything, I will only drag my partner downhill. And that's the last thing I wanted to do.
So have some love for yourself and remember no one holds the key to your happiness but you.

3. I HAVE SO MANY GOOD CARING PEOPLE AROUND ME

I've always thought people will always have something that they're after when they're with me.
Yes, I have trust-issues. It's either I trust too easy or I hard to trust. There's no in between.
This year has shown me that there are good, caring people around me. That has no hidden intention with being friends with me. They were always there when I needed them, always ready to listen to my bad thoughts and insecurities. Always offering a shoulder to cry on and an ears to listen. They taught me new side of love. And for that I thanked them.
I finally have people that I've been dreaming of.
Yes you punk, this one goes for y'all. You know it's you who I'm talking bout.
I love you, you dickhead.


I guess that's a few things I've learned in 2018.
Honestly there's a lot but it'd take a day of writing to actually write them all here haha
Thank you 2018.
In 2019, I hope to be a better version of myself in all aspects. I have a couple of resolutions I wish to achieve this year. I'll write about it here when I have the time and will! haha
This year's gonna be hectic since this is my last year in college and I'm on internship right now in order to graduate. Wish me luck!
Hope this year will treat us all with care and kindness.
Good luck for all of us.

I welcome you, 2K17!

 Current Mood: I feel brand new lol

 Listening to: Lamb - Wise Enough

 Thoughts of the moment: Apparently nothing LOL

oMG Hey dead people!

Haha it's been a long time since the last time I wrote and even in the last entry I also said the same thing LOL. 

I owe you guys a loooooot of stories! I want to tell you everything but I don't even know where to start hahahah

Let me start by telling you, I MADE IT TO UNIVERSITY! CHEERS MOTHAFOKERS!

MWAHAHA ok chill I'm sorry I got too hyped.

I was not only getting in to "university" university.. what makes it kinda dope is that it's a pretty much a popular and prestigious university in my country. GUESS! 

Lol yup I got into University of Indonesia and I am currently majoring in Tourism. It's a vocational program, though, well who cares, I made it y'all.

I ain't no longer an useless bum.
well who am I kidding I'm still a bum.
I'm trying to get back on track and write more often, No one will ever read this, though, I'll still write since I have so much in my mind I need to get it out. So yeah
It will be abstract and makes no sense but ain't that what makes human, human? lol

How's college?
College is cool. I made new friends and lost few friends
but that's life. people come and go, 'aight? it's their choice to comeback or never.
I'm the one who always left, though. HAHA LOL 
why, you asked ? because I don't feel like wasting my time with people who can be fixed. Not that I try to be manipulative or sociopath but there are these people who don't know what they did wrong and when they do, they don't make a move to make it right. I don't have time for those kind of people,  I'd rather read some webtoon lol. Because there's always time for webtoon. 
I'm sorry not sorry.

My love life?
Lol what a question, I think that's enough of question now, my child.
And yes you knew the answer already. yes. yes. now would you kindly let me leave? thank you
/silently goes sobbing and walks away.
Nah man.. I don't have a love life, I don't feel the need too. I don't know? Maybe I'm difficult to love, or loved.
I mean there were these times when I feel like I wanted it but then I thought,

"what will a boyfriend do any good when I'm already happy surrounded by friends that make me laugh when I need to? and buy me food when I'm outta cash ? LOL"

pLease gawd I don't wanna be a cats-dogs lady but I won't force myself to love when I'm not ready though.

Whatever
I'll focus on finishing my study quick and make lots of cha-ching. 
Love will come on its own when it's time.
ew tf I'm saying that is so najong I canNOT.

HAPPY 2K16!

OMFG HELLO DEAD PEOPLE!
ALTHO NOW DATE IS JAN 17TH, IT'S STILL NEW YEAR AMIRITE?
CAN YOU SMELL THE REFRESHED SOULS TO WALK ON 2K16? NO?

ok.

I miss blogging very muchchchchchch, 

I know I don't really write and when I do, I write nonsense-unimportant-brutal shiet.
To be honest, this year will be my five years on Blogger. And. I Still. Didn't. Achieve. Anything.
/dead audiences gives a slow claps Thank you.. Thank you all.
I mean I've tried to make blogging as an allowance but.. LOL 
My brain has been on Hibernate Mode for a long time I can't come out with any Idea, like, seriously.
I think the last time I'm using my brain was when...ugh...wait.. I don't even remember lol
I have serious problem, don't I 

Oh yeah just like an annual routine, I've made my 2K16 Resolution!
Wait. no. I've never made any resolution before, so, this is more like my premiere annual routine lol
yup. I have been living a chaotic life. damn. wow. omfg. my life's a mess

Apparently, 2K15 wasn't really my year. I had so many failures in 2K15.
I prefer to not talk about it, but just like what them successful people always say:

“failure is better teacher than success."

Because to be fugdin' honest, I'm a person who's hard to motivate.
No. it is not because I watch too much porn. No. it is also not because I fap a lot.
It is because, I have low self-esteem, I used to like to compare me and my life with them who have a good easy life.
Pretty face, Awesome talents. Sociable personality. Born with gold spoon on their mouth.
wOW, man.. like, are you even a human? do you ever heard about despair? failures? disappointment? I mean you have it all, and I know you must have your own darkest time but..

Is have-it-all people's despair same as so-so people's?
Like your life is complete, what kind of things that could ever makes you sad? lol

I'm not that kind of a person anymore, Although, I still feel a bit like that,
So now I'm teaching myself to not just see something only from my POV.
Try to see anything from various perception/perspective, there are so many chances and possibilities. And not all failures, failures. Maybe it's just a stepping stone, Maybe it's just a way of God to prepare me to something big.
So even if it's hard to get on my knee after falling hard and ugly, I have to stay determined (cr: Undertale)

One thing I learned about all successful people. they have two commons in general:

• Life f#cked them hard and made them fell into the a very bottomless pit in their life. But..
• They saw it as an opportunity to learn how to fly in their own very way when they're about to hit the bottomless pit. In simple word, they didn't give up. They THOUGHT about giving up, but they didn't and because of that the Giant on their subconscious mind awaken. THAT's why they are where they are now.

Therefore, you and I have to keep it in mind that. maybe when we feel like we have no other chances/choices, and life's nothing but more like an awful scary nightmare.. it's because we are about to go spectacular. All we have to do is the same as them, successful people: get the hell up. don't give up. No need to try hard, try smart.
Eventually, we'll wake our Giant inside us and becoming that person we've always been dreaming of. Because the best version of you that you could think of, is actually the real you.
I hope. together, we can pass this beautiful year, everyday. with positivity that this year is gonna be our year. no matter what. 

learning from failing

I failed.
Yes, I failed my college entrance exam. That's why I rarely update anymore.
I'm out of word. I thought at least from three options I could have gotten into one university but sadly the reality didn't happen the way I hope it would be. I can't blame nothing. like maybe it was myself who had a problem.
Well, tbh I did learned as hard as I could. There was some time when I didn't feel like study.
But at least, I've put an effort abput it.

 Your succeed followed your effort, they said. So let's just say I was the one who didn't put a bit of more effort.

but you know what's making me feel more horrible?
there are these people, who I shall not mention the names, didn't do anything from the beginning of school, they didn't even that smart, they only started to study when the university entrance exam was getting near. and they didn't even study that hard, neither did they study that smart. But guess what? They got into university easily.

SEE HOW UNFAIR IT IS? I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FAILED BUT SEEING PEOPLE LIKE THAT MAKE ME SICK. I'M DISAPPOINTED WITH ME, ALL AND GOD. F.
I'm so done. world's suck. God's unfair, so now I'm hating.

Long short story, now I'm just wasting my useless free day by fangirling and stuff,
I'm trying to see this shet on the bright side. Need a long time to do that. but here I am, I feel okay now, still pissed off but not like before. Back then, I cried every night of this. now I know how it feels to fall asleep crying.

If you ever failed on something you've worked so damn hard, you'll get what I mean and how I feel.
Even so, I got a learnings from all this:

• Do not put your expectation high, or too high.
  Like seriously, don't, Expectation kills. It really does. yea yea you knew and heard it billion times already, so do I, but admit it, it's hard to do, it is like holding yourself to not eating the popcorn before the movie starts. So don't. ah, same thing with hope. Having hope is okay but too much hope? It will also hurt you. Unless, you're determine to really work your ass up.
  But still, reality's betch. and many times life doesn't go the way we want even tough we've done our best. I'm not suggesting you to be basic because we have no limitation in outlook. What I'm trying to say is let's be real. be realist and prepare for the worst. So either you'll fail or not, you won't get a huge loss. 
• Set your goals that equal with your capability
  As human, we have this greedy side of ours. And sometimes without knowing how good is our capability, we aim for the highest place that may be isn't our time yet or doesn't match our ability. I know I know, it is normal for living creature especially human to want the best of the best of the best. This was my mistake when taking the university entrance exam. I'm not dumb, but I did not study till the very deep of earth core to be accepted by the university I desire. I was just being optimist and ignoring the fact that my capability did not suitable on the choices I chose. I wasn't being realistic. I mean, being optimist is a good thing but we need to consider and double check whether our choices match our caliber or nah.

I think that's it.
So for anyone who failed like me, hang on tight. stand still. you're not alone. keep trying.
I know it's hard to see people around you have achieved their goals but you yourself haven't gotten anything yet. but well, although I'm still pissed off, and literally hate everything, I have to say that there is time for every thing. We have our own time to shine, It could be fast for few people, but it could also be quite slow for some people. but the thing is, even if it's taking too much time or happens too fast for our time to shine. we just need to focus on preparing and fixing ourselves, so when the time comes, we'll be ready and shine brighter than everyone lel.
HHAHA I know, easy said than be done.
I don't even know where this words are coming from, like, seriously, I'm also a wreck and f#cked up. I have lots of dark days. I often believe all the negative shet I said about me. It's sometime difficult to believe all the good things in me, even if I know it was all true. What even worse is, I almost trying to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy and succeed.
I still think that way tbh, but I have to defeat my demons and make the best of my life.
Since life is toooooo short.
One day you were 15, and just in a blink of an eye you're already 35 like whut. 

So yeah, that's all. bye lol

Music is Heaven of Earth

 Current Mood: a bit sad
 Listening to: Disney Piano Playlist
 Thoughts of the moment: I still want to be a singer.

omg I've always wanted to be a singer. Deep in my heart I'd like to be on stage and singing and perform. I wanted my music to make people happy through me singing. I wanted my music to make them feel they're not alone everytime they were in a difficult situation. I wanna do something big with music. through music. I wanna do magic with it.

Actually, I don't think my voice is that good or something but I guess.. it isn't that bad lha.. listen to me singing on my soundcloud and tell me what do you think. wait no. I don't want to know what you think about my voice so just keep all the likes/dislikes to yourself. You aren't obligated to like me anyway. and what the hell am I saying it's not like there'll be anybody who'd listen to them, pfftahah!

I've been posting two articles in a row this past two days. I'm so bored I'm a pig I don't do anything besides twerking on the internet. Apparently, I only waste my time mostly by sleeping, breathing, eating, drinking, staring at the ceiling, and internet. wait, it's the same thing like what I've always been doing at class lol. I've never said I was a role model student, yes? my grades wasn't a whore tho. I was doing fine at school. I've made lots memories I'd love to repeat it and make more pretty memories.
To all people at my school, I love you by hating you. peace out
Ah, I still feel peculiar every time I remember I don't have to go to school to heat the chair I used to sit with my smexy ass anymore. I find myself very old (when I'm not even twenty yet) at this freakin state my gosh. hahahhaha

Hahahaha wth I was just talking about my dead dream, and then my recent activity, and then school. this post is a complete non-sense. yup. Idc. I'm the goddess here, I'll do whatever my ass want. I'm so awesome urgh can't.

Ah, I forgot this dream I wanted to tell you guys. Here's the story.
I dreamed that I failed my SAT. -kill self- I'm scared that it'll come true.
Please dear Lord, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Father God, and all Holy things I beg you to help me pass the test. Just this one time. Please cooperate with me. Please make things happen the way I need it to happen.
Please make me pass the SAT. I beg Thou my beautiful Lord. -sobs sobs-
I have no freakin idea what the heck should I do if that disaster is seriously happe.... NO. cAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. JUST.. LET'S NOT.
Pray for me please I need you to pray for me to pass the SAT.
Come, let us have a moment of silence to pray for my result of SAT. SERIOUSLy guys, this shet is deadly important for my life. no joke.

I wish I'll be doing fine. I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NEVER WASTE ANY SECOND TO SERIOUSLY STUDY AND REST PROPERLY IF I GET INTO UNIVERSTY THROUGH SBMPTN. I really hope I'll succeed. I know everyone wants that. So no, I don't hope. I have to. I have to succeed in order to give my family a better living than this. I want to travel the world in a fancy way with family and give a helping hand to the needy.
Lol that doesnt sound like me uh, if you know me.. you'd never expect to ever hear such a thing from my mouth.
because MEH I'M CRAZY YAY HAHHAHA

Sausade

 Current Mood: Neutral
 Listening to: Family of the Year - Hero
 Thought of the moment: EFF-ING A LOT.

Hi, I feel like blogging but honestly I have no idea what to write so excuse whatever things I'm gonna say here. Because what I'll say is just gonna be random as eff.

Oh have you guys heard about "sausade"?
It's a word from Portuguese and Galician that has no direct translation in English. But you can say that it is a word to describe a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent of something or someone that one loves.  All credits goes to Wikipedia lol.

nope.
I'm not feeling sausade at all.
I was just thinking that it sounds cool so HAHAHA.

see I told you this is gonna be random, don't tell me I didn't warn you earlier.. But since you're here and already read the whole bullseye, shall we just go random together? we shall. no. We must. I demand it. I'm the one who have all power in this little website of billion website on the internet, so because you're already here, you must do what I demand you to do, which is : keep reading, leave a comment and please follow my blog. HAHAHA no, seriously.. My blog is like a cemetery.
 -sudden awkward silence-

Ah, I've written that I used to have another blog, haven't I?
SO, I decided to go back on my previous blog and read the whole thing, that.. I won't tell you guys because eff.
Trust me, this is for your own good sake.
I can't believe I was once an innocent-annoying-too-honest-little-shet. Fyi,I started to blog since 2009, I guess.. I can't actually remember but I think it was around that year. That means, I've been on blogger since I was 12 y.o. kid. Can't you imagine what kind of stupid shet I wrote back then?
My gosh. HAHAHAHA

TOO FUNNY YET DISGUSTING I CAN'T EVEN HAHAHAHAHA
I still can't believe I ever wrote about stuff and stuff like that ew. I was gross.
No I didn't mean porn but my love life which was kinda shitty and so... urgh. I can't.
I don't know whether I was just too naive or too stupid as a kid.
Thank god now I'm growing up a bit. ok.. a lot. um... a bit? IDK HAHA

Life's confusing but there's no other way than living it and have fun even on any shitty condition right. Easier said than be done. but let us do our best since we're only given one chance to live the life we live right now.  so, why don't we make it as best as possible, no?
We never know when the death is coming to get us. It's probably just about five meters behind you right now, who knows lel
Until then, let's living life we received as awesome as eff 

me is back yo

BOY - This is the Beginning
LOOK WHO'S BACK? IIIIIIII~  HAHA
I'm so happy because finally. I am able to live my life in peace.
I've taken the SAT (or in indonesia, we called it: SBMPTN), and along with that, I am no longer need to go to Ganesha Operation to study anymore. which means holiday is actually in front of my door right now.. But, I don't actually feel I'm livin' my holidays to the fullest at all since I'm so nervous about the result of my SAT..
I think I did well, It was hard, tho..
I've done my best and I wish God'll help me with the rest.
I really hope I'll pass the SAT and get into the university of my dream..
Please wish me a real luck.
Ah, I'm about to take the psychology, so I'll be studying about human and their weirdness. HAHA yas human, yall nothing but a weird living creature. oh what now? no. I'm not a human.
I'm better than human. I'm awesome. hell yea, like it or not I'm still awesome and not human.
-wagging hair- lol bear with me.

I've been spending my precious holiday with doing things I love, my god.. this holiday's the best holiday I've ever had.
I started my day around 8 or 9, or even 10 A.M. then I took my late breakfast and lunch (yes people, double portion. nope. no regrets mothaeffka), helping grandma with stuffs and when I'm done with house chores. I'll sit quietly in front of my lovely laptop, open google chrome, and googling about my babies, yes, and by babies, I mean BIGBANG.
Five hottie men of humanity.

After three years, they finally have a comeback. EFF, I'M SO HAPPY I  AM LITERALLY CRYING HEHE.
It has been ten years since the first time YG decided to create an Idol Group, BIGBANG.
And I'm about living my life as V.I.P for four years and forever.
Sweet cupcakes, they've grown so much..
Those sexy retards are gettin' old but at the same time, they're getting hotter and hotter than before. They'll be having a concert in Indonesia,
............................................................................................... -sudden silence-
and I'M ABOUT TO DIE AT THAT DAY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO ATTEND THE CONCERT HAHA FML. Why money doesn't grow from a tree? -sobs sobs-
That is why, I'm making myself to promise to start saving money so next time, I'll be able to buy all the tickets for only myself HAAAHAAAAAA
please say Amen. please.

oh look, it is time for reading some webtoons
so,
adios amigos.

I'm bored

 now playing: SoKo - We Might Dead Tomorrow

aye people whaddup
so I was just wondering and I've been thinking that, for almost 18 years of my life.. I'm staying single. OK WHATEVER HAHA THAT WASN'T WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Let's just pretend I've never said that. and You've never read that line..

I'm so bored people, I'm so bored I could eat the whole elephant.. ok maybe I'm just hungry..
oh god at this moment I can't even differentiate whether I'm just hungry or totally bored.

I wish I were somebody else,
 no, it isn't like being me sucks. ok maybe it is. but whatever I don't care anyway.
I just wish I can go traveling and meet new people, real new people, not just a new people I met then turns out they're just like the people I already know.
I wanna go to a foreign land, that I've never known exist. um.. ok that is too much but for real, dude I'd like to do that. Someday I'll do it heck yeah,
I want travelling and fall in love and then die happily :) LOL
I just wish my life will be soon colorful since I'm going out of town.
I wish I'll do something great in future,
I wish I'll find that right person and
I wish I can be an awesome mother for my kids.
OK wtf what am I typing how could I even have kids when I am afraid of gettin' married LMAO.
not cool at all ika, not cool.  ah this thing from my past, whatever, I'll get over it by the way.

I wanna do something fun, like doing a charity or something like playing around with the orphans and make them laugh and forget about the sorrow for a moment.
OR MAYBE I COULD JUST FALL IN LOVE AND BE HAPPY HAHA

but no life's cruel, it wont be easy for all of us.

But that's the thing about life I guess..
   It won't get easy, but it is surely worth the prize we'll get when we're not giving up.
There is always a warm sunny day after a cold heavy storm.
all we need to do is  maybe just hang in there and try and failed and try and failed and try and failed and try until life gets bored seeing us failing and rewards us something more than we thought we deserve.
and I know you've been trying so hard and you are now tired but sometimes all you have to do is just get up and stay strong, because duh, we are stronger than we think we are, don't ever let anyone or anything or any situation tell us any different.
Just keep hang in there, life will get you and I to the right place as long as we hold on to Him.

...wtf where da hell did I get this wisdom
I'm so cool omg I can actually say such thing
darn it, I'll definitely marry myself if I could. LOL no, joke, I'm not that self-lover of a person.
Me is just being positive. lmao whatever this nonsense should stop here.

whoop, here we go

I MISS BLOGGING DAMN MUCH,
IT'S BEEN FOREVER SINCE THE LAST TIME I POSTED AN ENTRY AND NOW GUESS WHAT I'LL BE LEAVING  HIGH SCHOOL SOON. QUICKLY, ASAP.

I just can't believe myself that I've grown so much and time flies so fast and how things have changed.. you see, just like C.S Lewis say:

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different..

 I just..
Damn, I'll go to college and that is also mean, I'll be leaving home and living by myself.
I feel quite excited, and scared at the same. but meh, you know me. I don't care if I'm scared because DUDE! I'M SO LEAVING HOME! YAY HAHA ok joke. I'm a bit excited bcause living by my own means responsibility. and by that, I can show my family that I'm MATURE enough to handle my life.
 the only problem I have now is; where dafuq am i going...
I failed at SNMPTN, and now I have to face the SBMPTN in order to get in to University that I'm dying for.
fml, I still don't understand how people can passed the damn SNMPTN, they're not that smart, tough. um, no offense.
Guess I'm not that lucky, guess I'm a fighter.
Idk, I hate the fact that I still have to study for sbmptn because snmptn hates me.

but it's ok. I'm ok.
I miss you guys anyway.
ah and I've been on blogger since like I was an alien till now I'm a full human.
YAY FOR ME YAY!

About the author..

The name is Ika, Ika Dian Aruna. Her name means; One light at the sea.
She was born on August, 26 1997 in beautiful country, Indonesia.

She wears glasses, real thick glasses.
People say, her resting face looks like she's a dick. and most of people think that she's  an arrogant girl and nothing but an evil bitch. yes..all credits goes to her resting bitch face.
well, they aren't really wrong, after all, she does have some flaws.

She's a girl who gets trouble with words when she needs to say what's on her mind, what she feel, and what she wants. She's learning tho. Unless you've had known her well, then she will have no trouble to speak what's on her mind, since she always try to be the very honest version of herself.
She has learned to speak up, now. She isn't afraid to say no when it's a no-no.
She loves truth.
She'd rather get hit, real hard, in her face, by the ugly truth, than being cuddled by a beautiful lie.
She doesn't mind doing the same thing, to make a person, for a long period of time, drown into sea of sadness because of the truth, rather than slowly bring them to death because of the white lie. 

Who cares? FYI : Human has been craving for truth since forever anyway
.

She likes to spend her time by reading books (mostly, e-books), listening to music, watching movies, helping her grandma, lies on bed, does nothing, eats food, dancing around like a complete idiot, and having  real conversation. Oh, and she likes to discuss things, anything that worth the time.
At first, she might gives an impression that she's a good good girl who doesn't know such things, but the more you know her, boom.
She's crazy as fucg, she's friggin' loud,
She loves dogs, because dogs are a loyal creatures, therefore, she, too, values loyalty.
She loves cats, because cats rarely give a damn. she, too, rarely gives a damn about some things.
She takes, not only relationship, but also friendship on a very serious level.
It is because she values commitment, friendship, and relationship real high.
For so many have been very belittle on this things.

She has best friends, just few people, but at least, they're real.

oh.. and shout out to all of her good friends who pray for her success.
She credits all of you who are willing to give the trust and the love she needs.

Her life goals are : to make her grandma happy, to be able to help people in need as much as possible, to share happiness with those who are in grief, to see more sincere smile from more faces. and at last, to make, and do something meaningful and worthwhile, in such a short period life.

school? how about no.

...seriously, it is a real crap.

I can not explain to you guys of how big is my desire to get a drop out from high school with a legal certification, called: ijazah.
I just wanna get out of school faster. I'm tired with school. I hate people at school, well ya know, unless they're my pals.
...OKE, ancur bat grammar gue kayanya gagal dah pake english lol orz.

pokoke diriku, for this moment, hating the school very much.
gue bosen dengan suasana kaya gini, bosen dengan situasi kaya gitu.
gue bosen dengan pemikiran sempit anak-anak di sekolah.
gue muak dengan pemikiran stereotip mereka.
gue muak dengan keangkuhan anak-anak eksis yang, dengan jual tampang doang, ngerasa bisa seenaknya dalam fasilitas publik. 

gue mau cepet-cepet ngelalui UN, cepet-cepet masa nungguin klarifikasi SNMPTN, dan cepet-cepet ngelewatin SBMPTN (kalo perlu). hell na,
i'm like.. i'm still 17 y.o.and duh, it's not like i have a clear sight or thought about how I'm gonna live my life for the future. I don't even know what I should eat the next morning.
gue heran kenapa, setiap insan harus melewati fase-fase kaya gini, pantesan jaman dulu banyak bat dah yang suicide menjelang UN, gile aje..
lo bangun pagi-pagi, dan manasin kursi disekolah dengan pantat lo dan dengan terpaksa, lalu berusaha memproses ke otak segala apa yang diomongin guru, walaupun sumpah.. guru itu gabut dan gajelas, selama 12 TAHUN.
dan kemudian, segalanya itu cuma ditentukan oleh 3 hari dengan 6 mapel pelajaran yang diujiankan.

bunuh aja gue sekarang.

sistem indonesia gabisa lebih buruk lagi ya?
coba deh, kenapa kita para siswa ga disuruh bikin jurnal penelitian yang harus dibuktikan secara fakta yang kalo di kuliah dibilangnya skripsi? tapi dengan kadar yang jelas bisa dipenuhi anak SMA lah.,.

ah gatau lah hahahaha--ha.. -tibatiba nangis-
intinya gue udah sampai ke titik dimana gue muak banget jadi anak sekolahan.
oke fix, kawin ajalah -larilari ke apekapek singapur- /salah lol

ps: harusnya besok gue UH Sejarah, tapi gue stalling time. like um, how about no.

abis ini tidur sajalah HAHAHAHA screw the test I choose to sleep.

Hi again!

   

 Halooooo semuaaa lama banget udah ganyentuh blog ini lagi, terakhir kayanya 2013 deh hahaha
Oh ya, ini ngomong-ngomong blog baru, blog yang lama ntah kenapa gabisa ganti url blog jadi yaudah deh bikin lagi,
semoga, ditengah waktu dimana diriku dikejar-kejar UN, dan segala macam urusan hidup, gue masih sempet posting disini ya, jujur kangen ngeblogging kaya dulu huhu